Monday Morning Commute

This morning I saw one of the best bumper stickers ever. Well, one of the best bumper stickers today. And it read, "God Bless the Whole Wide World. No Exceptions."

Just for a point of reference, it was affixed to the bumper of a shiny black Lexus, driven by a 60-something man. That's pretty radical, I say. Also commendable. Definitely worth sharing.

Green Eggs and Ham, or, What I Learned on the Way to Work

This morning during my brief but annoying commute, I learned that today is the 50^th anniversary of the publishing of Green Eggs and Ham, by Dr. Seuss. And did you know that this book is the fourth most popular children’s book ever published, behind I forget which ones were in third and second place, and The Pokey Little Puppy? Oh, and The Cat in the Hat is not in aforementioned top four? That was a shock.

Green Eggs and Ham was written by the ingenious Dr. Seuss in response to a challenge he was given by a friend. The friend bet him that he couldn’t write a book using fifty words or less. Hah! The rest is history.

The following video clip is included for your entertainment. Okay, it’s actually for my entertainment, but you may be amused. Enjoy!

P.S. I tried to get the Saturday Night Live footage of Jesse Jackson reading the story - but the Embed Code has been disabled. So I had to settle for this. Waa, waa.

Neologisms

What is a neologism?, you may ask. A neologism is a new word, meaning, usage or phrase. For example, the word 'bling', which I learned the other day was coined by the rapper Lil' Wayne (it's true!). My sister has come up with a few... sinceriously.

Anyway, every year the Washington Post has a contest in which its readers submit alternate meanings for common words. Freakin' hilarious. I love witty people. I thought I would share this year's winning neologisms here:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post also runs a contest called the Style Invitational, in which its readers alter a word by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and provide a new definition for the result. Also hilarious! I wish I was this clever. My saving grace - I am clever enough to appreciate these. This year's winners of the Style Invitational:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. There's a lot of it in Congress.....

2. Foreploy (n): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

I am particularly fond of number 16, but it's hard to pick a favorite!

Bastille Day!

Happy Bastille Day, Mes Amis! July 14th is a day of national celebration in France, roughly equivalent to our Independence Day July 4th. What is it with July? Hmm, maybe the weather. It sure does get people to feeling revolutionary.



When I was in in chorus during elementary school, we actually learned and sang the English translation of Les Marseillaise, the French National Anthem. And remarkably it remains in my memory banks. Of course, today in particular I can't get it out of my head. So I thought I would share:




Sing along in English, I know I am -


Ye sons of France, awake to glory!

Hark! Hark! the people bid you rise!

Your children, wives, and grandsires hoary

Behold their tears and hear their cries!

Behold their tears and hear their cries!

Shall hateful tyrants, mischief breeding,

With hireling hosts a ruffian band

Affright and desolate the land

While peace and liberty lie bleeding?

To arms, to arms, ye brave!

Th'avenging sword unsheathe!

March on, march on,

all hearts resolved

On liberty or death.


And here's a little information on the country which is celebrating today:


http://www.countryreports.org/France.aspx

When I lived in Boston, there were all kinds of celebrations on Bastille Day. What can I say, Boston is sort of a party town. Where I am now, as I mention Bastille Day, I get some very funny blank looks. Well, maybe someone learned something from me today. Maybe it was you!

The Caves of Altamira

I read a story several weeks ago in one of the online newspapers I skim daily, reporting that the government of Spain is seriously considering reopening the Caves of Altamira. In my opinion, that is a BIG, BIG MISTAKE. Why, you may ask? Or, what in the hell are you talking about, you may ask? So I'll give you some background.

The Caves of Altamira, known as the Sistine Chapel of Paleolithic Art, are located on the northern coast of Spain near the town of Santillana del Mar. An amateur archaeologist named Marcelino Sauz de Sautuola knew of the cave, but in 1879 his daughter accompanied him on a trip there and it was then that they discovered paintings on the walls and ceilings. He excavated the cave with another archaeologist and they published a paper in 1880 that posited the age of these paintings to be tens of thousands of years old. And then the criticism began, because the general public, and even the scientific community, could not believe that prehistoric people could possibly have the skill to create such works of art.

"Fallen Bison", one of my favorite works of art, from the Caves of Altamira

Senor Sautuola died many years before the acceptance of the fact, in 1902, that indeed these were paintings created by ancient man. An actual 'mea culpa' paper was published in the most widely read journal of Anthropology of that time, apologizing for the skepticism with which Senor Sautuola was met in regard to the art of the Cave.

Present day technology is able to date the probable age of the artwork in the cave as between 15,000 and 35,000 years old. Some of the works were most likely created over time by multiple artists, judging by the carbon dating of materials (artistic collaboration!).

The caves were actually open as a tourist attraction for many years, and as you might guess, attracted many thousands of visitors. And here's the problem with that - carbon dioxide. And humidity. Due to those visitors breathing and sweating, the images began to degrade. Mold and bacteria began to grow on the walls. I mean, the reason these images were so well preserved is that the caves were sealed off for tens of thousands of years.

In 1977 the caves were closed. They were opened in a limited fashion in 1982, and at that time the waiting list to get in was three years long. Three years! The caves were again closed to all except scientists in 2002.

In 2001 a replica of the caves was built near the original site. So what I'm saying is, the works in the cave can be seen, probably more easily, because of the replica. And what I'm really saying is, PLEASE DON'T OPEN THE CAVES. Sorry people, you do not have the right to go in there. These works were not made for you. And they're documented. And reproduced in a configuration very similar to what you would see in the actual cave. So leave them alone. It's called preservation. It's crucial. You are not entitled to see the originals. And I'm not even sorry to say that, no, I'm not. Someone needs to be dope-slapped here, snap out of it and leave the caves alone. And before I go on to my next thought, I will whine - "Why do people have to ruin everything?"

A few other images from the Caves:

How I learned about the Caves, or, Mrs. Guthrie's 6th Grade Art Class

I'll admit that I just didn't get it. We have to do a cave painting? What? It's 1972 and everything is psychedelic and we have to do a CAVE PAINTING? I mean, who cares about that stuff?? But no amount of complaining could change the fact that we had to do a CAVE PAINTING. Great...

First, we needed to bring in our own rock. Smooth and of sufficient size to allow for the recognizable depiction of an animal. Then we had to choose one of the animals shown on the walls or ceiling of the Caves of Altamira. And by the way, back then we had film strips, remember those? So of course we watched a film strip to introduce us to the images in the cave paintings. Snooze.

Then we had to use pastels, the same earth-tone color palette use by the cavemen. Again, snooze. But, here's what happened - as I started the drawing, I discovered my inner caveman. I actually ended up with a pretty fine looking goat, if memory serves. After we were finished drawing, we sealed our projects with a clear coat spray so that they wouldn't smudge.

I wish I knew what happened to that project. I'm quite sure it ended up in a landfill. Wouldn't it be a hoot if it turned up in some archaeological dig years from now?

One more thing...

Steely Dan, The Royal Scam, track#2

This is one of my favorite songs of Steely Dan, and really one of my favorite songs, ever. Once I get it in my head it's hard to dislodge. Good thing I love it so much. If you don't know the song, I've included a clip here:

Sorry, the image is of the album cover only. There was a clip of a live performance, and it was pretty good, but Steely Dan was a studio band so I went with this, direct from the album. And yes, since it was released in 1976 it was indeed an album. Absolutely love this song and for me it stands up so well to the test of time.

My closing thought - it's really very simple: leave the caves alone, people.

Wilson

Mel's dog Wilson is seriously all that. And then some. Just to prove he's the shiznit, check out his picture:

How many dogs do you know that have an IBone???

Juneteenth

If you are a Yankee such as I am, or even if you aren't, you might not be aware of the holiday that is celebrated annually on June 19th. That's right, Juneteenth! Sounds like I'm making things up (no, my sister does that), but there is a great story behind it.

Although the Emancipation Proclamation was issued in 1862, to become law on January 1, 1863, it was not until June 19th, 1865 (!) that slaves in Texas heard the news. Think about that...

Texas was almost entirely under Confederate control, and well, the Confederacy surely wasn't going to abide by any decree that came down from Washington, DC.

Union General Gordon Granger, supported by 2,000 troops who had come to take possession of the Lone Star State and enforce the freeing of its slaves, read the Proclamation from a balcony in Galveston, Texas:

"The people of Texas are informed that, in accordance with a proclamation from the
Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves and absolute equality
of personal rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the
connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and
hired labor. The freedmen are advised to remain quietly at their present homes and
work for wages. They are informed that they will not be allowed to collect at military
posts and that they will not be supported in idleness either there or elsewhere."

I imagine there was dancing and singing in the streets when that was heard. Whooping and hollering. Beyond the beyonds. I wish I had been there!

Of course, present day Juneteenth celebrations are more common in the southern part of our country, but 36 states, plus the District of Columbia, recognize Juneteenth as a holiday. Hmmm, I'll bet there are many people living in those states who have never heard of it. Like me, until recently. So now maybe you know a little something more than you did when you started reading this.

One more thing - I learned a new word while reading up on Juneteenth: portmanteau. A portmanteau is a blend of two or more words to form one new word. June + nineteenth = Juneteenth. Cool!